Spreading Misinformation

I married bigfoot, the father of my child

The bigfoot-love-slave series was a classic! However, I find this slight variation more compelling. Not only did she marry bigfoot, she's about to have his baby. It's 2 great headlines in 1.

German scientist to clone five deceased U.S. presidents

Cloning presidents would have been a good story in isolation, but the WWN staff decided to make them German scientists, giving the story an eerie feel. The craziest thing though is that the WWN is soliciting votes from the public in order to select the 5 presidents to be cloned (admittedly undermining the evil German angle).

Satan's skull found in New Mexico!

The WWN often tried to pass off a clearly hand-drawn image as a photograph. Who says the WWN is fake?

Japanese citizens becoming more animated

It's really hard to read this story without saying 'oh come on, gimme a break'. In a nutshell, the WWN claims that the Japanese people love anime so much that they themselves are turning into cartoons. I think something got lost in translation here!

Civil war babies found alive at Gettysburg

In the WWN cannon, a lot of people from historic events (especially tragedies like the titanic sinking) are found alive and well; and often frozen in time too. If I had to pick my favorite – and isn't this the entire point of this feature – I would go with this Civil War story, where two young kids were found on the battlefield at Gettysburg about 130 years later.

Tornado miracle! Alabama twister picks up man in wheelchair & drops him on top of telephone pole!

Without the photo, this article wouldn't make much sense. But the odds of a person falling (and holding his balance) on top a pole like that is nothing short of impossible (except in a world with cartoon physics perhaps).

Death cured!

Amazing story, if only it were real! And wouldn't this story be the biggest newspaper scoop ever? It's not just that scientists cured cancer or heart disease, the claim is that they reportedly cured all causes of death? By the way, the miracle drug is called Preparation X! Bravo WWN!

IRS to tax refunds

People hate the IRS so much, it is within the realm of possibility that the government would try to screw taxpayers out of their own money.

Man gives birth to a healthy baby boy!

When in doubt, the WWN can always just take something that everyone knows is impossible, and publish it as fact. It may not be the most creative headline, but I like the idea of someone trying to write this nonsense with a straight face.

Crop circles appearing on people's heads

A variation of this headline had crop circles appearing in a man's chest hair, but that's a mental image I can do without.

Hair serum turned bald men into wolfmen

This cure is something out of The Twilight Zone. The 'after' picture couldn't just have long hair, they had to use their wolfman stock photo. And according to the article, it's happened thousands of time (maybe because the serum is from the Orient). I'm sure the WWN fact-checked that article thoroughly!

10 ways to tell if your neighbor is an extraterrestrial!

Over the years, WWN has produced dozens of "10 ways to tell"-type advice columns. This one may be my favorite.

Space alien skull found at Roswell

If you believe in the Roswell incident, the next logical step in the chain is to realize that that alien must be dead now, and perhaps buried somewhere in the desert not too far from the military base.

Rome was built in a day!

This article is just plain dumb. There's nothing more to it than ironically contradicting a standard saying. All articles can't go that route, but as mid-paper filler, it's pretty original.

Half-human half-fish found in Florida!

There have been so many half-human half-something-else mutant articles to choose from (e.g. horse, dog, aligator, dolphin, frog, bigfoot, even alien). This one has my vote!

The Last Supper was a paint by numbers picture!

There are two Last Supper articles in this Top 100, one about the meal served and another about the painting. This story claims da Vinci didn't have the talent to paint this iconic scene and used something they give to kindergarteners.

World's fattest cat has world's fattest kittens!

The WWN writers squeezed a lot of life out of the world's largest cat storyline. The best known article is the cat that has 23 old ladies. I prefer this more believable entry. The "facts", as they are recounted by WWN, is that the mom is the fattest cat (at 72 pounds) and the dad is the scrawniest cat ever (at 5 pounds). I guess opposites attract!

GOP unveils liberal-sniffing dogs

I'm sure the GOP would love that invention, if it actually existed. I love how the default liberal they use is Ted Kennedy. He's a great punching bag!

Surgeons cut my head off - and sewed it back on!

Scientists are always pushing the limit on transplants (e.g. hands, faces), why not got to the extreme by grafting a living human head? This piece is as wacky as it gets!

Drunk swallows bowling ball

The lack of common sense is a hallmark of the WWN. Coupled with the fact that medical curiosities always make for great WWN hijinks (think: the leg that hopped itself to the hospital).

News reporter eaten alive by 80-ft. dinosaur!

Tragedy strikes and the WWN loses one of its own journalists. Never mind that dinosaurs aren't around anymore, it has never stopped the WWN. The dinosaur is supposed to be 80-ft. tall, but it looks like a close-up of a regular lizard (they say it's 20-tons but it looks more like 20 pounds).

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers!

This joke is so dumb, yet effective due to its sheer simplicity.

Adam & Ed: gay couple were first humans!

The WWN had previously reported on Adam & Eve's body being found with a little girl (for ease of exposition, the skeletons of all three were found huddled together). Now the WWN throws us one heck of a curveball, effectively contradicting its earlier version of events.

Do-it-yourself stomach-stapling kits!

The accompanying photo is comically bad, but in a good way. Without a doubt the best in the WWN's DIY series. And I love how the heading reads "new for fatties"!

Ventriloquist is in coma - but his dummy's still talking!

The WWN is great at coming up with creative premises. Comedy writers, eat your hearts out! And there's a bonus headline on the same cover: "Pentagon janitor uses spy satellite to catch wife cheating!"

Rabbits sue to keep their feet on the ground… and off key chains!

The funniest part is that the rabbits hired lawyers to represent them in court! One commenter is even quoted as saying: "these rabbits don’t have a leg to stand on, legally or otherwise". How's that for a blurb! To top it off, there's an image of an amputated rabbit in a wheelchair on the stand in front of a judge. This article has it all!

Hitler is alive!

Who else could be alive besides Elvis and JFK? Hitler of course!

Cosmonaut left on moon to die… so comrades could carry extra rocks back to Earth!

The thought that those evil communists would sacrifice one of their comrades for some space rocks seems plausible in a red-scare kind of way. Just ignore the fact that the Soviet Union never actually set foot on the moon!

Blind man regains sight - & divorces his ugly wife!

This headline sounds like a bad joke about a man regaining his eyesight. Hats off to the WWN writers for their sheer audacity.

Tribe rams arrows through their skulls - and survive!

There are photos of East Indian people with arrows through their heads. In retrospect, this article might be a tad xenophobic. Best not to think about too much!

U.S. attorney general Janet Reno as you've never seen her before!

Speaking of xenophobic, the idea that the Japanese find Janet Reno attractive isn't the most culturally sensitive headline. Not to mention it's a bit sexist to be humoring a respected and accomplished woman's looks. But that stuff could fly in the 1990's!

Condemned killer sits on death row for 27 years

I don't need to explain why this headline is funny, but I will do it anyway: why would a prison allow an inmate on death row to postpone his execution indefinitely? Genius premise!

Radical group demands pawns be renamed. Classic game under 'PC' attack

If you hate woke culture, this one is for you. "Checkmate" will now be known as "check domestic partner" and players can switch the king and queen at will. This piece of satire still works 15 years later!

Teenager hacks into Heaven

This article features the best subtitle of all time: "Afterworld is like America Online - but with dead people". Gold!

Angels declared an endangered species

A lot of people consider the WWN cover of an angel being shot down by hunters as being one of their favorites. I however prefer this article. It's more nuanced… in a WWN-sort of way.

Glass-eater chokes to death on a chicken bone!

A common theme in WWN pages: someone in a high-risk "profession" who dies in the most mundane way.

L.A. quake opens gates of hell!

There are several variations of the gates-of-hell being open, and here it's an earthquake that triggers the mayhem.

Satan is broke!

Who knew Satan had trouble paying his bills! The best line is that he's selling back souls at half price to stave off bankruptcy.

Saddam wins U.S. lottery!

When hatred of Saddam couldn't get any higher (after all, he was married to 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden – see #20 on the list), Saddam rubs it in by winning the lottery. Though if you are going to make up a story like that, why stop at a $100 win? Give the man the jackpot.

Scientists set to open Pandora's box

The WWN has always been dismissive, either directly or indirectly, of scientists. I guess it plays well to their core readership who don't enjoy the publication on an ironic level. Take out the expert bashing and this article isn't anything more than a literal interpretation of a commonly-used saying. But here, it's stupid enough to work!

Iraqi sub prowling Lake Michigan

Impressive that an almost landlocked country in the Middle East has a strong enough Navy to enter the most remote of the Great Lakes. Not that it matters, but I counted 8 series of locks to reach Lake Michigan. Not sure how the sub got through those... I know, that's besides the point!

First marriage between human & space alien still going strong!

Never mind the obviously fake-looking alien in the picture, the true story here is the level of detail the WWN goes into to sell the story. For example: the alien doesn't like his wife's cooking!

World's strongest baby!

I had to choose between world's strongest grandma and strongest baby, and the baby won by a hair. In both cases, they are example of stories that could actually happen – just not in the over-the-top way it's portrayed in the WWN.

Tuna fishing threatens mermaid population

Once in a while you wonder how nobody thought of this headline before. Case and point, mermaids are apparently having difficulties living in the sea. If it's true for dolphins, it must be true for mermaids!

Amelia Earhart's barf bag found in south pacific

Of all the Amelia Earhart's possessions that could solve this perennial mystery, WWN writers chose to go with a supposed barf bag. That creative choice singlehandedly makes this article a must-read.

Stupid dog fed intravenously - because he won't let go of ball!

Pay attention to the wordsmithing on this headline is (those headlines look easier to write than they actually are). I'm sure WWN staffers could have found employment as copy editors elsewhere with that type of talent.

Osama captured by rednecks!

Those rednecks are busy. They shot down an angel. And now they are taking the law into their own hands by getting the man responsible for 9/11. Apparently, Osama was in the U.S. to attack the Ozark Nuclear Power Plant! (the closest nuclear power plant is still 100 miles away, and it's not called the Ozark plant, but I digress).

Hackers can turn your computer into a bomb & blow your family to smithereens!

People tend to fear new technology, but this is way over-the-top. Of course, there is no way for hackers to create an explosion from a device that contains no explosive charge – though logic has never been WWN's forte.

Redneck aliens take over trailer park

Rednecks are often involved in these types of stories. Beyond being easy targets, they make the premise all that much more hilarious.

Obama appoints martian ambassador!

Why would Mars need an ambassador in the first place? But I guess all aliens are interchangeable.

Bat Boy leads cops on 3 state chase!

Of all the Bat Boy articles, this is my favorite (though I must admit I never really found Bat Boy funny in the first place). But I can appreciate it's a key part of WWN's legacy. And this story gets bonus points for its attention to detail: of course, Bat Boy stole a Mini-Cooper!

Woman's refrigerator haunted - by Hitler's ghost!

Toilets are often haunted (e.g. "My toilet is possessed by satan!"). This time it's a refrigerator, and the ghost isn't a repairman or a dead husband, it's none other than the Fuhrer himself.

Four people vanish without a trace in portable toilet!

According to the WWN, lots of people disappear in lavatories each year. They even produced a graph in the Bat Boy book to detail the phenomenon. The presumption is, like most WWN articles, that mainstream news is hiding this crucial information from the public.

Haunted toilet claims third plumber in eight years!

A lot of WWN headlines deal with toilets either making people vanish, or being a vehicle for various paranormal experiences. Yet, this story is my favorite for its originality. WWN writers really know how to think outside the box!

Cuba launches shark attack on U.S.!

I'm not exactly sure how Castro could train sharks to launch such a coordinated attack, but that's not the point. An evil opponent would naturally steal something from the Bond villain playbook.

Pizza was served at the Last Supper!

This article is so inane it's hilarious. Besides, the people in the graphics department at WWN are the real heroes!

Man who wears lightning rods on his head uses collected electricity to start cars!

For the record, you should never seek to be hit by lightning, even if you could channel that electricity into jumping-starting cars. But this isn't Popular Mechanics; it's the WWN, a publication that doesn't care about physics. Anyway, the WWN got a lot of mileage out of this story. Besides behind a rehash of a 22-Oct-02 piece, the Bat Boy book updates the story with a better picture (the second image in the carousel).

Corkscrewed!

The impaled bartender not only survived, but he is able to pick up radio signals with the corkscrewed lodged on the top of his head. There's even a picture of some people dancing around him, presumably to the music station he is listening to. Yes, that really is the story. You can't make this stuff up... oh wait, you can!

Ancient photo of Jesus found!

The WWN really tried hard to explain how 'camera obscura' technology could have been invented in Jesus' time. In the end, WWN used a primitive invention that was still brought to market 1800 years too late for the timeline to work. But who cares about such "details"?

Ten new commandments found by bible experts

One of the commandments is to "enforce the death penalty". Sure it is! In WWN's history, there were other times when additional "commandments" were discovered: for instance on 30-Jan-06 (e.g. "thou shalt not erect a temple of gaming in the desert") and 27-Jun-05 (e.g. "thou shalt discard containers of plastic and metal appropriately"). There's also a version with three new commandments found (on 12-Nov-02), but that is essentially a repeat of the original 1990's classic. Despite my love for WWN, I have to admit the writers loved to recycle old headlines. Making up this crap is apparently hard work!

3-legged skater banned!

How would a third leg make you a better figure skater, I'm not exactly sure?!? The subtitle says that "she spins around the ice like a helicopter." But why ruin a great article by thinking too much!

Tennis-playing robot goes berserk - & bashes human opponent to death!

A new twist on the old 'robots kill their masters' theme. What makes this entry so extraordinary is the 1940-style robot WWN illustrators used on the cover! It's something straight out of the 1939 World's Fair! That's fine editorial work from the often-overlooked art department!

Ugly tribe gets celeb faces!

Without an illustration, this article wouldn't be funny. But when you see the clearly airbrushed celebrity faces among the tribe, it's irresistible. It makes no sense, in a good way! A plastic surgeon is apparently able to turn a man's face into a perfect Whoopi Goldberg, or a black person into Ed McMahon, Richard Simmons, or even Mick Jagger.

Tribe worships Kirstie's butt!

Another possibly xenophobic entry about a crazy tribe in Africa doing something outlandish. Notice though that they used the same stock photo as the celebrity faces in #38! The WWN should really check their sources, it could undermine their credibility!

Half of U.S. hookers are space aliens

The WWN article is under the banner "government warning". Of course! There is also a feature on how to tell if your prostitute is an alien. Very handy! Who could have guessed that space aliens had invaded prostitution?

Female aliens getting boob jobs

Modern ideals of female beauty are apparently spreading across the galaxy. This one makes no sense! But hey, that's what the WWN is all about. The WWN concludes that the female aliens are self-conscious because they kept being addressed as 'Sir' when they abducted people. A researcher even confirms the story, so you know it has to be true. The icing on the cake is the "falls flat" pun in the subtitle.

Moon to explode in 6 months!

The WWN acknowledged Y2K by making a similarly doomsday prediction: the earth would suddenly stop spinning. Here, it's the moon that may be destroyed. And only the WWN knows the truth!

Aging space alien applies for social security

I love the mandatory, yet dubious, blanket denial from "Air Force officials" that in real life would never comment on this dribble (which as the WWN tells it: an disheveled alien with dementia wondered into the Social Security office rambling about inventing the Stealth Bomber while being employed at Area 51 by the U.S. military). Not that I expect the WWN actually bothered to contact the Pentagon's press office for comment.

Earth is flat and round

Take that flat-earthers; new nonsense to believe in!

Horoscopes all the same. First time ever!

Like most WWN headlines, this one works on several levels. In doing so, they might have produced the most honest horoscope of all time!

Alien bible found! They worship Oprah!

Who do space aliens worship? The WWN knows how to tap into a overhyped public figure – in this case, Oprah – and exploit it to maximum effect!

Teens sniffing human ashes to get high!

What are crazy trends are today's adolescents into? They are getting high off Grandma's ashes of course! The WWN reports that cremated remains are more powerful than LSD and cocaine combined. No hyperbole here!

Elvis tells Lisa Marie: divorce Michael!

This nonsense is actually believable: if Elvis were alive, he would probably tell Lisa Marie what we were all thinking. So it's not so far-fetched… except for the 'Elvis is Alive' part. Though, the sight of a bald Elvis was taking things a little too far. (As a postscript to this story, the WWN later claimed in 2004 to have Elvis's first interview since 1977. They must have forgotten about this exclusive, published ten years earlier in their own pages)

Elvis seen at Graceland!

If Elvis is still alive, and hiding, wouldn't he stay away from the one place full of tourists who know what he looks like?

Clinton hires 3-breasted intern!

I hesitated to include this article because it is clearly written as a joke. The best WWN headlines should never break character! But I can't resist the punch line that, according to Bill Clinton, she helps him with "whatever pops up"!

Female space alien accuses president Clinton of sexual misconduct!

Clinton was a goldmine for comedy writers and the WWN "journalists" find him equally compelling. After all, if he had impropriate relations with an intern, the next logical step is with a space alien, right?

Hillary Clinton adopts alien baby

Any adoption would have been news, but WWN took it to the next level by having it be an alien baby. And if there's any doubt to the story's authenticity, the WWN labels its cover an "official photo". Must be totally legit then!

Chinese building secret tunnel through earth - to attack U.S.

I guess their "secret tunnel" isn't secret anymore! If the WWN is to be believed (and why not?), those Chinese people are always up to something. This time it's the impossible task of drilling through the earth's core in order to attack the U.S. So sneaky – and needlessly complicated! Not that it matters, but humans haven't yet been able to drill down through the first 1% of the earth's crust, let alone the last 99%!

My steamy nights with Hillary in UFO love nest

P'lod the space alien is planning a tell-all book, entitled "Out of this World" –it would be an instant best-seller if it actually existed. Unfortunately, we have to wait a month for the WWN to publish the inevitable follow-up article: a love-scorned hubby Bill takes it out on P'lod (see the next entry, #21, on the list).

Alien in slammer after fistfight with Bill over Hillary

Yet another space alien Bill Clinton tie-in. I guess the morale of this particular story is that Hillary is such a catch, she's worth getting all Jerry Springer over!

Saddam & Osama's gay wedding!

Not exactly known for its factual accuracy, the WWN is great at capturing the public sentiment of the time (for example, consider that Jacques Chirac is among the honored guests at the couple's reception, along with dictators like Quaddafi and King Jong-Il). As the search for WMDs in Iraq proved futile, the Saddam & Osama series of articles was geared to calming the public's buyer's remorse for invading Iraq. The WWN is also publishing a special "souvenir photo album" insert for whoever would like to collect mementos of this "joyous occasion".

Saddam sex-change shocker

Cross-dressing wasn't enough (see #8), it seems that Saddam is going for a sex-change operation. Not exactly PC, but it shows the prevailing mores of the early 2000's. Consider this series of articles as a time capsule of the moment the public started realizing that the war in Iraq was going to stretch into a very long and expensive quagmire.

New fad in funerals: strippers dance naked around coffin

Combining two things that don't belong together is a cornerstone of the WWN. Case and point, somber funerals and seductive strip club dancers. In WWN logic, it's a perfect match! Though I'm not sold on the preacher's quote that he will deliver a "drool-ogy"! That part sounds made-up!

3,500-year-old rap lyrics found in Egyptian tomb!

The newfound rap songs are horrendously bad, exploiting several stereotypes regarding hip-hop artists. But the comedy setup is too good to pass up.

Second pope under pope hat!

I don't care how much of a journalism purist you are, I dare you not to giggle at the thought of a second pope hiding under the first pope's hat! Look out New York Times, the WWN is the true newspaper of record!

Space alien flasher rocks L.A.

Wouldn't a space alien want to stay hidden to prevent public panic? Apparently not. According to the WWN, one particularly perverted alien can’t stop exposing himself! And the alien's private parts somehow spin and whirr. Perhaps that's too much information!

Elvis dead at 58

News flash, Elvis is dead! Except that he died after faking his death and going into hiding (notwithstanding the numerous sightings) for almost twenty years. Surely that will be the last Elvis story covered by the WWN, right?

Elvis was cloned in 1976!

One of many 'Elvis is alive' articles. I never get tired of them because anything is possible in the WWN universe. Cloning famous dead people using 1970's technology, no problem. Add Elvis into the mix and this story just writes itself! The only thing it's missing is space aliens!

Clinton meets with JFK!

Two of the WWN's favorite topics united: Bill Clinton and dead people being alive (this time it isn't Elvis, but JFK).

Space alien endorses Bill Clinton

One of many political endorsements from kingmaker P'lod the space alien. P'lod would later go Republican and endorse George Bush (a story memorized by the now-famous picture of Bush posing with the WWN cover featuring the endorsement).

Bill catches Hillary with space alien!

That's after the space alien backed him for president. P'lod is apparently a backstabber! Though the best quote is "'I thought she was gay' says stunned ex-Prez!".

Osama hits Atlantic City

The idea that the most wanted man in America could enjoy himself (or even want to take in the western excess of a casino) in public – in the United States, no less – is ludicrous. But with the WWN, ludicrous means funny! (note that while this article may be a rehash of Osama's previous trip to Las Vegas, the photos are better in this version of events).

Saddam's shrink tells all

Insulting an adversary by insinuating he likes to cross-dress is arguably homophobic. But the visual is a hoot! To boot, a young Saddam also starred in gay porn films. Oh snap!

Saddam & Osama's in love!

The best WWN articles encapsulate what the U.S. public want to see happen even if it is detached from reality. In retrospect, it seems comical to imply that Saddam had anything to do with 9/11. But linking the two leaders into a joint conspiracy was a political priority at the time. And it made for some wonderful Photoshopped moments.

Aliens abduct cheerleaders!

A picture is said to be worth a thousand words, and here, it makes the entire article.

The Statue of Liberty is getting a boob job!

Apparently, engineers are replacing her existing A-cups with D-cups, in part to attract more tourists. Readers can also vote on the proposal, although the results – surprise surprise – are presumably not legally binding.

1.4 billion chinese will try to knock earth out of orbit - again

In this classic WWN gem (which they replayed at least 4 years in a row), the logic goes something like this: evil communists will stop at nothing to destroy the planet; to do so, the Chinese will all jump at the same time to throw Earth off its orbit. But it doesn't stop there. In a feat of patriotism (and perfect coordination), volunteers will counter-jump at the exact same time to cancel out the evil jumping on the other side. Never mind the plot makes no sense, this article is one of my all-time favorites (though I could do without the stereotypical iconography for Chinese people).

Jimmy Hoffa found - in Elvis' grave

Jimmy Hoffa's whereabouts have been a mystery for years (though every one agrees he met an untimely death); the last place anyone would look would be in Elvis' grave. But of course, in WWN logic, that's the perfect spot to hide a dead body, since Elvis is alive. Pure genius!

Elvis is alive - and running for president!

This headline is an ingenious twist on the 'Elvis is Alive' theme. Why would a man that has faked his own death, presumably to be able to maintain a low profile, then decide to run for president? Hats off WWN!

Gluten killed the dinosaurs

Great satire on the perceived dangers of gluten! Who says WWN can't do social commentary too?